Another week goes by and yet again I’ve noticed my life changing in weird and wonderful ways. Firstly, after surprising myself with my papoose knowledge last week, my wife and I have taken the plunge and bought one. I’m still not 100% sure I know what one is and how you operate it. A quick google search told me Papoose is a Brooklyn based rapper, but when I look at my papoose, there is nothing ‘cool’ or ‘street’ about it, it’s just a baby sling. Unless a papoose means something different in Brooklyn, Mr. Papoose might want to rethink his stage name.
The papoose is very papoose-y. It looks like a baby can be easily harnessed into it, so we bought it at a very reasonable price. This was the first time we had specifically decided to go shopping for baby paraphernalia. I have to admit I was excited, it was certainly going to be a unique shopping experience. It was everything I expected. The trip consisted of picking up little tiny human clothes and making an ‘ahhhh’ sound, walking past little boots and saying ‘oohhh, aren’t they cute’. In fact, we ended up buying the least cute item possible, which currently looks like a rucksack, but without the sack (or the ‘ruck’, whatever that is.) Anyway, I digress, the main thing is that it has no baby in it, so it’s pretty useless at the moment, unless I wanted to take it shopping and carry an extra carrier bag around my chest in my papoose pouch.
The second tell tale sign that I am accepting parenthood became apparent whilst I was searching the internet. I wanted to look at a web page I had been looking at the previous day. Before some clever clogs questions what I was desperately searching for, it wasn’t prawn without the ‘r’, it was in fact an item I had been looking at on Amazon. As I clicked to see my history over the last few days, I noticed I had visited websites I had never had the inclination to visit before. News, blogs and various football websites had been replaced by mamas and papas, mothercare and random baby name generators. What had happened to me?
Baby names have been a topic of conversation in the Carlton household over the past week and as we are not going to find out which flavour baby we are having until the day, we have started the search to find two suitable names to cover all eventualities. Our conversations varied from the serious to the ridiculous. After much searching on the internet and browsing baby name books, we were more perplexed than when we began our search. Much of the confusion occurred because I became distracted by the crazy names that parents have called their children. I have to assume that some poor child had been given these names for them to appear in a baby name list. So to throw you off the scent and keep you guessing till March, I’ve compiled two lists of my 10 favourite baby names for boys and girls that I couldn’t possibly use. So here is my Top 10 baby boy names if I was a crazy.
Cue Top of the Pops style countdown music
10 – Beige
It’s true that colours can make wonderful names, but baby Beige doesn’t really work. If you were asked how did you come up with the name Beige, your response is unlikley to be ‘…well, we took one look at him and he just looked….dull.’ Or ‘Out of all the colours, Beige is my favourite.’ If you want your kid to be an accountant, call him Beige.
9 – Bonanza
Unless your a fan of the US Western TV series, a boy should not be called Bonanza. However, the dictionary definition offers a positive slant on the name. It’s meaning roughly translates to ‘a sudden opportunity to make money.’ So if he is a talented footballer at an early age, it might be worth changing his name by deed poll, but it’s probably not fair to lumber your kid with the burden of making your future fortune from day one.
8 – Grover
If the muppets were a big influence on your life as a child and Kermit and Gonzo’s names are already used for children of your close friends and family, Grover is an ideal choice. But I must reiterate, only if Kermit and Gonzo are already taken.
7 – Navigator
I kid you not, Navigator is a boy’s name and it’s one tipped to be more prolific in years to come. It’s seen as a trendy celebrity name, maybe someone like Bob Geldof would use it if he had a boy. I don’t see future Carlton being an intrepid explorer as his parents have lived in the same town all their lives, so if I was to choose a name, he would be more Hermit than Navigator.
6 – Hannibal
Might as well throw in a couple of middle names just to make sure baby Carlton gets off to the right start in life, ‘I christen/name you Hannibal Fava Beans Chianti Carlton.’
5 – Favourite
A great name until you decide to have another child. Why not marginalise the 2nd child further by calling it Black Sheep?
4 – Essex
Even if your boy was conceived in this county, giving him that name is half way to breeding a jack the lad of the largest proportions. Without doubt his first words will be ‘Alwight sweetcheeks’, not mummy or dadda.
3 – Dingo
I use Dingo as an example of the paucity of Australian names. Everyone’s heard of Bruce and Sheila, but once you’ve scratched the surface, Australia offers very little unless you want to call your child Galah or Tucker.
2 – Hooker
mmm…..if your a fan of the 80’s TV show TJ……you know what I’m not even going to bother to explain this one. Simply wrong. Don’t do it.
1 – Gaylord
No word of lie, this has cropped up on numerous searches. Maybe it was popular before the connotation changed, but if you’re really thinking about using this as a name for your future offspring, why not stick to something simpler like Neville, Egbert or Malcolm. Come to think of it, name your kid anything else but Gaylord.
That concludes my list, look out for my countdown of top 10 girls names in the following weeks. Until next week, Ta Ta.